Cinderella
by Queen Emmy
Summary: A Cinderella parody where Cinderella does not have little animal friends, Prince Charming isn't so charming, the Queen actually speaks, and fairy godmothers are extremely overrated. AU. Pure cracky silliness.
1. Lions

*~**Cinderella**~*  
~***Chapter One***~

Summary: **rewritten** This is a Harry Potter version of the famous Disney movie _Cinderella_.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the Cinderella story, or anything in this except the idea.

Author's Note: This was written before, but was deleted when FF.Net decided to get rid of the Harry Potter Author Fics section, as were three of my other stories. So, I decided to climb out of my Too-Lazy-to-Write hole and rewrite this puppy.

This chapter is longer than the original version of the 1st chapter, but it's still short. Sorry about that. But there's only so much you can add. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the newly rewritten version of _Cinderella_! Aren't the little tree things cool?

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Once upon a time, there was a girl named Pansy. Pansy was extremely evil. And I'm not talking about pulls-the-wings-off-a-flies evil, either. She hated everyone and everything except her two best friends, Jack and Jill. Don't get too excited: Jack was a hatchet and Jill was an ax. With Jack and Jill, she liked to destroy things. Because of this she was expelled from Hogwarts.

Most people say that she was born evil (which was the truth). The nice people said she was angry that her mother, Minerva, died when she was seven and took it out on inanimate objects (in reality, they believe the former, but they just said the latter because they were, as previously mentioned, nice).

Pansy's father, Percy, who was very wealthy, loved his daughter, Pansy, very much (despite her being a destructive little ball of hate) and Pansy loved him back, in her own hateful and troublesome way. Because she loved her father so much, she punched him only ten times instead of her usual fifteen when he said anything she disagreed with or did something she didn't like.

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Penelope Clearwater lived in a tiny shack with her three sons, Ron, Fred, and George. She use to live a middle-class life until her husband, Albus, quit his job and used practically all their money to help against the discrimination of Muggleborns and Squibs. A few months after they moved into their tiny, little shack out in the middle of nowhere-ville, Albus 'mysteriously' died and Penelope was seen by a Muggle burning a muddy and tattered robe which had a rather large red stain on it. The Muggle was never seen again.

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Queen Ginny Weasley of England lived a fairly happy life until her arranged marriage to Prince Gregory Goyle of France at age seventeen. There are quite a few reasons she was not very happy with her married life: Her husband is Goyle. She had an arranged marriage. She didn't know who her husband was until her wedding day (that was quite an unhappy surprised). Her husband is Goyle. She is married to a man who has the IQ of a potato. Oh, and did I mention that her husband is Goyle?

Despite her husband's lack of IQ points, she does experience some happiness. According to rumor, all happiness she experiences is brought about by the one (and unfortunately the only) Draco Malfoy, the _way_ overpaid Messenger Boy. But whether this rumor is true or not, well, that's another story.

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King Gregory Goyle of Luxembourg is now, always was, and always will be an imbecile. He had an arranged marriage to Princess Ginny of England. The whole kingdom knows he's an imbecile and about the queen's great disliking of him.

The public, at first, thought he couldn't be as stupid as he looked. No one could possibly be _that_ stupid, right? Wrong. After about a week after their marriage the public thought him a fool. 

A wise man once said, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."*

Well, apparently, King Gregory Goyle of England has never heard that statement. Much to her dismay, he keeps telling Queen Ginny to owl her even though they live on the same property (I say 'property' because Ginny makes him sleep outside).

Needless to say now the whole public _knows_ he's a simpleton.

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Queen Ginny and King Goyle have five children: Prince Vincent Crabbe and the Princesses Hermione, Angelina, Alicia, and Myrtle. The Princess Angelina and Princess Alicia are twins.

Princess Hermione is, by far, the smartest. She is a human library. If anyone in the whole palace ever needs any information on anything, everyone will tell you to ask Hermione. She'll know. And if she doesn't know, you win £50** from the servants.

Princesses Angelina and Alicia are, considered by many, the prettiest. They're Chasers on the Royal Quidditch Team.

Princess "Moaning" Myrtle is dead. She had a little run-in with a Basilisk. She moans not because she's dead, but because even in death she cannot escape the stupidity of her father, who after five years _still_ hasn't figured out why she suddenly became semi-transparent.

And Prince Crabbe is the oldest. He is seventeen and still hasn't found a wife. No sober woman would want him and no king will let him marry his daughter, treaty or no. He is a bumbling idiot and there are many bets on whether who has the lower IQ, he or his father. Who it is, even I don't know.

Queen Ginny tries to avoid her son as much as possible. Though she constantly reminds herself that it was the king who gave him his stupidity, and that it wasn't her fault, she still can't help wallowing in self-pity after she sees him, dwelling over the fact that she birthed an idiot.

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*Said by Abraham Lincoln, former US President, b.1809 d.1865

**I hope I used the correct symbol for pounds. If I didn't, that's supposed to say fifty pounds. I think one pound is worth about a $1.55. At least, that's what it says at moneycentral.msn.com. So I think that would be about $77.20. Of course, I could be reading the chart wrong and it actually says $1 equals £1.55. In which case, it would equal ::takes out calculator:: $32.26 (I think).

A/N: LALALA! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. My dad sure did. (I walked away from the computer and he sat down and started reading.)

Yeah, this was just an introduction to the characters. The next chapter will have some sort of plot, I think. I can't really remember. It's been awhile since I've written this.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Just press the little button below. And remember: if we use you're comments on the air, Cingular will be sending you a free Nukia cell phone with three months prepaid calling! … Ugh … Too much Channel One.

Wishing You Prosperity and Pizza,

~Emmy Weezer~  
(More commonly known as Emmy.)

"There's old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin." —_Piano Man_ by Billy Joel


	2. And Tigers

*~**Cinderella**~*  
~***Chapter Two***~

Summary: **rewritten** This is a Harry Potter version of the famous Disney movie _Cinderella_.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the Cinderella story, or anything in this except the idea.

Author's Note: Sorry about the wait. What can I say? I'm lazy. Also, this chapter was a bit harder to edit, because it somehow got out of order during the cut and paste process (don't ask) and I had to figure that out otherwise you people would get even more confused than I was.

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One Monday, when Percy went to work, he decided to have a sale for 25% off on everything he made that day. He worked at A Robe Store (yes, that's that actual name). He made pretty good robes, too. He even invented the first Sewing Spell. Unfortunately for him, nobody knew about it, so his work went unaccredited.

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One Monday when Penelope won the lottery, (20 galleons) she decided to buy some new robes for her and her family because the robes they had were practically rags.

Ten minutes after A Robe Shop opened, Penelope, Ron, Fred, and George walked in.

Penelope ordered a hot pink robe with orange polka-dots for herself, a maroon robe for Ron, a lime green robe for George that said "Fred" on it, and a lime green robe for Fred that said "George" on it. 

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When Penelope came the next day to pick up the robes, Percy, blushing as bright as his hair, asked if she would like to go out to dinner with him. She said yes. For Percy, it was love at first sight. As for Penelope, it was love at first sight of wallet.

Upon seeing her sons trying on the robes to see if they fit, she exclaimed that those robes were meant for them, not noticing the disgusted looks on the twin's faces and Ron trying not to gag.

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Two months later, wedding bells were ringing for Percy and Penelope. They decided that they wanted to do something "exciting" for their wedding, so they decided to get married at the drive-through chapel in Las Vegas.* An Elvis impersonator was their witness.

Everybody was happy! Ron was happy because he got new robes that weren't maroon. Percy was happy because he married the woman he loved. Penelope was happy because she was very wealthy and was able to buy a house with 4 floors, 100 rooms and 100 bedrooms and did. Pansy was happy because now she had a new house full of things to smash into itty, bitty, little pieces with Jack and Jill. Fred and George were happy because they got a new stepsister to test their inventions on.

Unfortunately for Pansy, she talks in her sleep. Even more unfortunately, her father heard her. So, to keep her from breaking anything, her took away Jack and Jill and forced her to wear shackles on her hands and feet at all times. Penelope talked him into it.

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Percy loved his daughter and felt bad for her. So a year or two later he decided to give Pansy one more chance to be good. He was going to take off her chains. 

By this time, Pansy hated her father and wanted vengeance with a passion. When Percy took the chains off of her, she ran to the shed to get Jill (Jack was too small). When Percy saw that she had Jill, he ran into the house and bolted the door.

That didn't help much considering the door was several decades old and made of wood so when she reached the door she just had to swing the ax a few times and presto! No more door! Once the door was out of her way she chased Percy down the hallway. Since Percy wasn't exactly what you would call fit, it wasn't long until she trapped him in a corner. With one swing Percy's head fell to the floor.

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When Penelope saw Pansy running after Percy** with an ax, she ran to get her wand. By the time she got to the family room it was too late and there was blood everywhere. There was blood on the floor, the carpet, Jill, the curtains, Pansy, and even on the ceiling.

"Do you realize what have you done, you _idiot_?! You could have at least waited to kill him _after_ he changed his will so that I get all the money and not you!" yelled Penelope. She was so mad, her face turned bright red.

Then, just to be evil and annoying, Pansy asked, "Did you know that when you get really mad, your right eye twitches?"

Hearing their mum yelling, Ron, George, and Fred walked into the room. Amazingly, they didn't notice Percy's head on the floor and his body three feet away from it. But they did notice their mum's eye twitching.

"Fred, George. Mum's eye is twitching and she's pointing her wand at Pansy," Ron whispered to Fred and George so Penelope wouldn't hear.

"Wow," Fred said in amazement. "She must be _really_ mad. I haven't seen her eye twitch that badly since we accidentally blew up the neighbor's house while they were on vacation."

"Mum, are you ok? What's wrong?" George asked.

Penelope pointed to the corner.

"Oh no!" Fred exclaimed. "Percy! He didn't get to change his will yet.

Penelope said a spell under her breath, causing Pansy to fall to the floor.

"Is she dead?" Ron asked.

Fred went to feel her pulse. "No, just knocked unconscious."

"Good," George said in delight. "I was worried we wouldn't be able to pull pranks on her anymore."

"What are we going to do with her, mum?" asked Fred. "Are we going to send her to Azkaban?"

"No. I've got a better idea."

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The next day, two ghosts came to their house to read Percy's will. The Ghost Will Reader Agency (GWRA) employed ghosts because if the deceased person didn't have a will, then the Ghost Will Readers could communicate with them. The Ghost Will Readers were Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan.

"Seamus, Dean!" Ron said in disbelief when he saw them. "You're… dead. How?"

"We had a little run in with Voldemort himself," Dean told him.

"_Never_ make fun of him losing his magic. First he starts crying and there's nothing more pathetic than seeing an old, formerly evil wizard cry," said Seamus. "Then he lunges at you with knife, stabs you in the heart, and twists it a few times."

"It's _not_ pleasant."

"Now, on with business. Where is the will?"

"Here it is," Penelope said and handed it over to Seamus.

"'When I die I leave all of my earthly possessions to Pansy—'"

"NNNOOOOOOO!" Penelope cried as she sank to her knees and started sobbing.

Seamus ignored her and continued reading. "'But, if I ever decide to get married, I leave all of my earthly possessions to my wife.'"

Pansy stopped sobbing immediately. "YYYEEESSS! I'M RICH!"

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For the next seven years (now age 19), Pansy was their slave. She was forced to do everything they wished her to do. Everything from "mop the floor," to "mend my robe," and "test this candy." In the period of seven years, she had been turned into a canary twelve times, a monkey six times, a clock seventeen times, an armless monkey wearing a frilly cocktail dress doing the Virginia Reel four times, and a bag of yogurt-flavored potato chips once. The only reason she did this is because Penelope threatened to send her to Azkaban.

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Back at the castle, things weren't going smoothly either. Prince Crabbe, now 19, had not found a wife yet.

The King and Queen were talking it over.

"Why can't we just have him pick a girl he wants to marry and then have them marry? That's what I did with you," King Goyle stated proudly.

Queen Ginny looked like she was going to get sick. "No, I'd feel too bad."

"What would you feel bad for? _He'd_ be the one picking the girl."

"Not for him! For the poor girl!"

"What else can we do?"

"Let me think. We could ... um ... we could have a Ball and invite every woman in the kingdom. Then if he finds a girl that wants to marry him, they can marry."

Goyle tried to understand what she just said. Failing, he simply answered, "Ok."

"Let's go tell him."

"Where is he?"

"He's in the garden with the Messenger Boy." They only had one messenger boy: Draco Malfoy.

"You mean Draco?"

Ginny mentally rolled her eyes, ignoring the question.

The Queen and King then walked down to the garden where Crabbe and Draco were.

Wanting his son and Draco to think his IQ higher than it actually was, he announced the idea as if he came up with it. "Son, we have an announcement to make. Within the next week you will be married."

Draco inwardly cringed, feeling sympathy toward the poor girl Crabbe was to marry.

"Who? _How?_"

Ginny explained further, "There will be a Ball the night after tomorrow. At the Ball, you will find someone you want to marry and if she wants to marry you, then you two will marry."

__

To find someone to marry him, Draco thought, _they're going to have to do more than throw a Ball._

Still not getting it, the prince answered, "Ok. What kind of ball?"

"What? What do you mean what kind of Ball?"

"You know, a basketball, a baseball, what kind?"

__

Like spike the punch.

"Not that kind of ball." Mentally banging her head against a stone wall, she though, _Why me?_ "There will be a dance."

"Well, why didn't you say so?"

"Draco, I want you to tell everyone about this," the king said, trying to sound important.

With that, Draco left.

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*A city in Nevada, USA, famous for its casinos, hotels, Elvis impersonators, and unique ways of getting married.

**I just noticed, there are a lot of name that start with "p" in this story—Penelope, Percy, Pansy… They're all in the same family, too, technically speaking. Then again, I don't like to get technical because when I do, I either misuse the word or have no idea what I'm talking about. Of course, there's also the not so rare occasion where I do both, which is what usually what happens and then I… ::realizes nobody really cares:: I'll shut up now.

A/N: Hope you like this chapter!

In chapters to come: Millicent Bulstrode, Peter The-Not-So-Pleasant-Peasant, Harry the Human-Turnip, Neville the Screaming-Kid-Running-After-Peter, and Snape the Dancing-Chimpanzee.

Wishing You Prosperity and Pizza,

~Emmy Weezer~  
(More commonly known as Emmy)

"Remember how I found you there, alone in your electric chair? I told you dirty jokes until you smiled." —Billy Joel in the song _You May Be Right_


	3. And Bears

*~**Cinderella**~*  
~***Chapter Three***~

Summary: **rewritten** A parody Cinderella story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the Cinderella story, or anything in this except the idea and the Firebolt 5672.

Author's Note: Wow. One whole year since I last updated. Er…I was too lazy to edit? Um…the devil made me do it!

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Draco Malfoy was _not_ having a good day.

First, he was practically molested by some old lady who thought he was attacking her, but really he was just asking her for the time. After that he was almost run over by a motorcyclist who turned out to be a girl with no manners, using a dog leash as a belt.

At another house, two Bloodhounds, a Great Dane, a black Lab, and dozen Schnauzers had almost maliciously attacked him. After calling off the dogs, the three female owners of the house (one of whom looked suspiciously like the girl on the motorcycle) begged his forgiveness. Draco, just wanting them to shut up so he could go on to the next house, said, "I forgive you." After a few minutes of attempted flirting by the owners (I would like to take this time to stress the word "attempted"), he finally recited his whole speech and left as fast as his poor almost-attacked legs would carry him, which was hard to do because some of the Schnauzers were chasing him down the driveway.

The last house Draco had to go to was Penelope's. When Draco reached the house, Pansy answered the door.

"Who are you and what do you want?" she demanded.

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She's a pleasant one. "Hi. I'm Draco Malfoy," he recited with no emotion whatsoever. "I work for King Goyle and Queen Ginny."

"And I should give a hippogriff's behind because…?"

He ignored this and continued reciting. "I'm their messenger boy—"

"Ever hear of the saying 'Kill the messenger'?"

He rolled his eyes "—and I'm here to announce that in two day's there will be a Ball—"

"What kind of ball?"

Draco stopped his recitation and blinked in confusion. "What do you mean, 'what kind of Ball'?"

"You know, a baseball, a hockeyball. What kind?"

"Hockey is played with a _puck_."

"Whatever. What kind of ball is it?"

__

I think I've just found someone with the same IQ as Crabbe. And it was thought impossible. "Let me rephrase this into words you can understand: I'm here to announce that in two days there will be a dance," he said very slowly.

"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place!" she yelled.

__

Temperamental little brat. I pity her family.

"Pansy!" yelled a voice from inside the house.

Pansy sighed in frustration. _"What?"_

"Come here! I want you to test this!"

Pansy groaned. "PENELOPE!" Pansy yelled into the house. "SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!"

"I'll be right there!"

Penelope arrived at the door and told Pansy to get back to work.

Noticing the Royal Crest on his robe, Penelope put on what she thought was a pleasant smile. Her definition of the phrase "pleasant smile" and other people's definitions differ. So, really, she looked like she was an escapee from the loony bin. "Hello," she said in what she thought was a sexy voice.

Using all his will power to not run for it, Draco thought, _That's it! Once my contract's expired, I'm quitting! I don't care how overpaid I am!_

"Hi. I'm Draco Malfoy. I work for King Goyle and Queen Ginny. I'm their messenger boy and I'm here to announce that in two days there will be a Ball at the Royal Palace for Prince Vincent Crabbe so he can find a wife. All are invited. From the rich to the poor to the nobility to the poorest servant and even the Gypsies are invited."

"Why, that's wonderful." _Heh, heh, heh! It's about time I get a new husband!_ "I hope the prince chooses me." _Did I just say that out loud? Oops._ "When is this Ball?"

"It will be held in two days at 7:30 in the evening."

"That's plenty of time to buy some new dress robes," she said to herself.

Wanting to be done with his messenger work as quick as possible he said, "That's nice. I have to go now."

"Bye!"

Draco put out his hand to collect his tip for delivering the message.

Penelope, being the stupid (not to mention cheap) person that she is, shook his hand, went inside, and closed the door.

"Cheapskate."

With all his messenger work done, he got on his Firebolt 5672 and flew away as fast as he could away from houses full of raving lunatics, dogs that attack him and then chase him down the drive way, and weirdoes that try to run him over with motorcycles.

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The first few paragraphs were a bit pointless, but I got bored and decided to add them in. I'm really sorry about not updating for so long. Really, I kept forgetting and when I did remember I was lazy. Again, I apologize.

Next Chapter: Pansy's locked in her room. Penelope, Ron, George, and Fred go to the Ball. You find out that some people really _do_ have a negative IQ number. Who's Harry The-Human-Turnip? And what does Velcro have to do with anything?

I really hope I just described the next chapter. If not, I described the next two or three chapters.

Wishing You Prosperity and Pizza,

~Emmy Weezer~  
(More commonly known as Emmy)

"She will promise you more than the Garden of Eden, then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding. But she'll bring you the best and the worst you can be. Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me." —Billy Joel's _She's Always a Woman_


	4. Oh My!

*~**Cinderella**~*  
~***Chapter Four***~

Summary: **rewritten** A parody Cinderella story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the Cinderella story, or anything in this except the idea, and Pansy's middle name Also, I don't own the line I paraphrased in this chapter from _Ever After. An invisible, nonexistent chicken goes out to whomever can tell me what line it is._

Author's Note: Sorry for the wait.

Also, because of FFN's new policy, I have, as you may have noticed, changed my penname. I'm not sure if I like the one I have now, so it may change when I can think up something better, but I wasn't going to be "Emmy2" any longer than I had to. On FPN I'm still Emmy, though, which doesn't really make sense to me, but that's OK.

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When the night of the Ball came, everyone was excited. Even Pansy was thrilled. She was hoping she would be able to sneak Jack in so she could destroy something really expensive and/or important: a table, a chair, a portrait, or maybe even the royal throne. She got excited just thinking about it.

Penelope, on the other hand, was worried. Pansy was obviously going to try to break something or try to win the heart of the prince or even both. _No!_ Penelope thought to herself. _I cannot let that happen! I have to do something! Hmmm... What should I do to keep her here? Yes! I've got it! I'll just lock her in her room! Brilliant idea! Pure genius! Yes, I will be remembered in history as the woman who locked a door!_

Penelope climbed down to Pansy's room (it was in the basement) and pounded on the door three times. Before Pansy could even respond, she barged in.

"Here's the deal—"

"Nice dress," Pansy sneered. Penelope was wearing wine-red dress robes with rather large lime-green puffballs in various places.

"Shut up!" Penelope snapped. "I have not given you permission to speak! Anyway, like I was saying, here's the deal—actually, it's more of a command, but who really cares? I certainly don't. Anyway, knowing you, you will either try to destroy something expensive that _I_ will end up having to pay for or you will try to win the heart of the prince—which is what _I_ am planning to do."

"Oh, please," Pansy responded in pure disgust. "I wouldn't marry that royal idiot if you paid me!"

"It doesn't matter; you're not going to leave this room no matter what."

"Who says?"

"Me!" Penelope yelled as she slammed the door shut and put a Locking Charm on it.

"It takes more than a locked door to stop Pansy Ushi Parkinson!" Pansy said. "I'll just wait 'til they're gone..." she muttered to herself as she looked out the window. "Yes! They're gone!" She took out Jack and started hacking away at the door. "NO! The door's made of steel on the inside! If only I had Jill with me!" Pansy started to cry. "Now I'll never be able to destroy anything incredibly expensive in the palace that Penelope will end up paying for!" she exclaimed between sobs.

Just then, a not-so-little fairy-like girl, wearing a not-so-tiny hot pink dress trimmed in white lace with matching, shiny hot pink high-heeled shoes held together by Velcro flew through the window on a broomstick. She was carrying a bright pink plastic wand that had a glowing, yellow star on top.

"Don't cry, Pansy. I'll help you get to the Ball," the fairy told her gently.

_Great, just what I need in my life: another moron,_ Pansy thought bitterly. "How's a freakish, little fairy like you going to help me?"

"I'm Millicent, but you can call me Mill. And, actually, I'm not just a fairy. I'm your Fairy-God-Elf-Mother," Mill explained cheerily.

"Your title is 'Fairy-God-Elf-Mother'?" Pansy asked skeptically. _That's a stupid title._

"I made it up myself."

_No surprise there, _Pansy thought.

"Some—most—well, actually, _all_ of the people at the Fairy Godmother Agency thought I was a tad bit—er—crazy, stupid, and moronic. But, I'm not any of those things: I'm half fairy, half elf, and half Godmother," she explained. "Now, do you want to go to the Ball or not?"

_Great! Just great! Of all the Fairy Godmothers in the world, I have to get the imbecile with even less fashion sense than Penelope!_ Pansy thought as she glared at the oblivious Mill. _Well, I've got to get to the Ball somehow and there's no other way._ "Fine, do your magic junk. And hurry up!"

"Ok. I'll need a carrot stick, four cats, three feet of foil, and a blade of grass," Mill informed her.

"I'm not even going to ask."

"Good." Mill took her plastic wand and blew a hole in wall so they could get out (she wasn't very good at aiming), and Pansy went to get the needed items.

When Pansy found all of the required materials, she found Millicent in the garden in the back of the house. "Ok. Here's the stuff. Now, do your magic."

Mill raised her hands in the air and said, "I call upon the power of Velcro! Give me luck in the magic I'm about to do, and please, PLEASE don't let me screw up too badly this time!"

After this, Pansy started to back away slowly. "Wait!" Mill yelled after her. "Come back! I haven't done my magic yet!" Mill ran over to where Pansy was, brought her back, and started doing her "magic."

Mill put all the items in a pile. "Velcro, Velcro, Velcro, Velcro, VELCRO, VELCRO, VELCRO!" she chanted, raising her voice louder after each word. Nothing happened. "_VELCRO, VELCRO,_ **_VELCRO, VELCRO,_** **_VELCRO, VELCRO!_**" Still, nothing happened. "Heh, heh… Ah… Ummm… Sometimes my magic…doesn't work…?"

"No kidding!" she yelled sarcastically.

"I had a feeling this would happen. Good thing I packed this, just incase."

The Fairy-God-Elf-Mother took a big box out of her magically enhanced pocket filled with large hot pink pieces of metal and several, long strips of…Velcro?

"What are those for?" Pansy asked, indicating the metal pieces and strips of Velcro.

"It's a do-it-yourself carriage-making kit. Now, you just put the pieces together like so and..." She put the carriage together at an alarmingly fast pace. "...presto! You've got yourself your very own carriage made of hot pink metal and Velcro, in the shape of a carrot!"

_Please let this be some sort of deranged dream!_ Pansy thought as she pinched herself. _Ow! So much for the dream theory. Oh, well. I might as well make the best of things._

"What about horses?"

"Oh, um…" She looked around. "Look, over there." Mill pointed to a fenced-in field with several horses. "See? There's a ranch full of horses. We'll just take four horses and—"

"That's the neighbor's ranch, no wit." Pansy sighed. "Oh, well. We can just steal some and put them back tomorrow, before anyone notices. I don't care if it's against the law."

"Wait. I don't think I'm supposed to—"

"LOOK! Your job is to get me to the Ball! I don't care if we have to break a couple of laws to get there. Just. Get. Me. To. The. BALL!" she screamed at Mill.

"Ok! Go get the horses; I'll hitch them up." Mill really didn't want to do this but humored her anyway because the people at the Fairy-Godmother Agency had warned her that Pansy could get very violent at times. If Mill had been a brighter person, she might have suspected that this was the reason the Head Godmother assigned her to Pansy. But, alas, she was not, so she suspected nothing.

Pansy retrieved the horses and Mill hitched them to the carriage. When Pansy got in the carriage, Mill was about to drive away (she decided to be the driver) when Pansy discovered a problem.

"Wait! What about my clothes? I can't go looking like this! I'll be stared at more than Penelope!" Pansy was wearing a several-year-old, frayed dress covered in dirt, food stains, and other things better left unidentified. It only went to her knees. It use to go halfway to her ankles, but she grew.

"Oh, yes. I forgot." Mill pulled out from the box a hot pink leather dress, trimmed in hot pink feathers. Pansy hoped she was done, but there was more: a pair of 4-inch-heeled shoes, elbow-length silk gloves, and a bunch of cheap, plastic, costume jewelry, all of which were hot pink.

"Someone just kill me now," Pansy muttered softly enough so Mill couldn't hear, but loud enough that guy walking down the road behind her could. It was Harry The-Human-Turnip, on his way to the Ball.

"Well, if you really want me to…" Harry The-Human-Turnip said, pulling out his wand and pointing it at her. "Avada—"

"I was just kidding. I wasn't being serious," she said quickly.

"Oh. Ok," he said and continued walking.

Pansy looked at the attire and almost gagged. It wasn't _just_ fact that it was pink. Oh, no! It was also the fact that _everything_ held together with Velcro! The shoes, the dress, even the _gloves_! Sure, the plastic jewelry didn't Velcro together, but they had little strips of Velcro hanging from them!

After seeing the clothes she was supposed to wear, all Pansy wanted to do was yell as loud as humanly possible, "VELCRO SUCKS!" However, she refrained from doing so; she was too desperate to get to the Ball.

"This is my favorite outfit," Mill told her. "I designed it myself."

_It shows._

"You can borrow it, but you _must_ have it back by eleven o' clock. That's an hour before the Ball ends."

"Why?"

"I need it tomorrow, so I need time to get it washed."

"Oh."

"Now, you go change and then I can do your hair to look just like mine."

Pansy took one look at Mill's hair and said, "No! I mean—that's ok. My hair's fine the way it is. Besides, we're late enough already."

"Yeah, you're probably right. I mean, it does take an _awful_ lot of time to get my hair _this_ perfect using only hair-spray and old credit cards."

_Er—right._

Pansy changed into the clothes and put on everything Mill gave her, except the gloves—they were too small.

"Well, I feel like a moron," Pansy stated in disgust. "At least it's getting darker."

"Oh, let me look at you! You look beautiful! You remind me of me!"

_Oh, yay. Just what I always wanted,_ she thought sarcastically.

"But why aren't you wearing the gloves?"

"They're too small."

"Then you'll just have to wear these." Millicent pulled out a rather large pair of—you guessed it—hot pink, elbow-length gloves. They were covered with pink Velcro on the outside and, for some deranged reason, faux rabbit fur on the inside.

"These'll keep your hands nice and warm."

"Great," she groaned sarcastically. "What else would go so well with a hot summer's night like this?"

Too stupid to notice the sarcasm, Mill replied, "I thought so."

Pansy put on the gloves and got into the _stupid_-looking carriage pulled by stolen horses. With a 'ya!' from Mill, they were off.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

_"It takes more than a locked door to stop Pansy Ushi Parkinson!"_

According to my Baby Name book, 'Ushi' means 'ox' in Chinese. Just thought you'd like to know that little tidbit of information.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Sorry about the wait. We just got a new computer so I saved all my files on the Zip drive, but he had to install something before it would work, so I had to wait for him to install it. Then my dad locked me off the internet for not doing my summer reading, but he changed it to two hours a day because I have driver's education!

I just found out how to fix the formatting, too, so the Right and Center Align work now.

I'm thinking of starting a new story (after I finish rewriting this one, of course). I'm not sure yet, though. I'm also thinking about reposting the other story I wrote a while ago that FFN took down when they deleted the Harry Potter Author Fics section.

The next chapter will be up soon (hopefully)! But I may decide to replace the last chapter because the lack of Center and Align Right is bugging me.

Next Chapter: Pansy arrives at the Ball (obviously).

Wishing You Prosperity and Pizza,

~Queen Emmy of Monkeys~  
(Formerly known as Emmy Weezer, and formerly more commonly known as Emmy.)

"Jim said bees wouldn't sting idiots; but I didn't believe that, because I had tried them lots of times myself, and they wouldn't sting me." —_Adventures of Huckleberry Finn_ by Mark Twain


	5. The Last Chapter

Summary: rewritten A parody Cinderella story. AU.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, the Cinderella story, or anything in this except the idea and the Orange Plague, named after Ruth's favorite color, whose birthday was around the time when I was writing that part. (Yep, along with getting a present from me, my friends get a plague named for them, too!). I am not making any money from this, either, because if I was, this chapter would have been up a _long_ time ago!

The paraphrased line in the last chapter is, "Yes, I'll be remembered in history as the woman who locked a door!" That's paraphrased from, "Yes, I will be remembered in history as the man who opened a door!"

I also stole a line from _Robin Hood: Men in Tights_ in this chapter. It's the 'yea' (pronounced like 'yay,' and not to be confused with 'yeah') part.

Author's Note: I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I've just been somewhat stressed with school lately and with life in general. This hasn't exactly been the…perkiest time in my life. I've been more bitter and cynical lately. It's probably better that I didn't write this during that time because I figure if I did, I probably would have had all the characters die gruesome deaths in some feeble attempt to get back at the people who annoy me, which would have done nothing since I know for a fact that they don't like _Harry Potter _(or reading in general…not that I think they can in the first place), and certainly wouldn't be reading fanfiction. But, not that school's out for a while, I don't have to deal with them! (Not until August, anyway.) Yay!

Hope you enjoy this last chapter!

* * *

That ride was the longest twenty minutes of Pansy's life. First, Mill drove them into a tree. Then they almost drove off the rode and ran into the carriage that she was trying not to hit. When they finally arrived at the palace, Mill almost ran them into the carriage in front of them.

When the carriage finally jerked to a stop, Pansy kicked the door right off the hinges (not such an amazing feat, considering they were only held together with Velcro) and ran away as fast as she could. Unaccustomed to four-inch heels, Pansy ran about a foot before spraining her ankle and landing flat on her face.

"Oh no!" Mill screamed in panic. "You didn't rip the leather, did you?" She looked over the dress. "Oh, good. You didn't."

"Don't worry, I'm fine. Thanks for asking," Pansy snapped sarcastically as she limped as fast as she could (which wasn't very fast) away from Mill and the carrot-shaped carriage.

After Pansy entered the ballroom, she decided to look around a bit. In a secluded hallway, she saw a beautiful, ornate, hand-carved mahogany chair that was at _least_ a hundred years old. Seeing such a beautiful chair almost brought _tears_ to Pansy's eyes. Almost. Once Pansy got over the shock of seeing such a valuable object, she headed towards the chair, grinning evilly.

It took her quite a while to get over the other side of the ballroom because of her shoes, but when she finally made it, she wasted no time in moving it further down the hallway so she would not be seen.

When she was sure no one would see her, she took Jack out from a pocket and started hacking away at the chair.

In the ballroom, Prince Crabbe was not having much fun. Every single one of his siblings—even Myrtle, who was dead!—had someone to dance with except him. All he could do was stand there and try to get close enough to a girl to ask her to dance.

First, he tried to approach a girl named Parvati, but she kept backing away until she literally bumped into Remus Lupin, who she promptly asked to dance, and without waiting for an answer, dragged off the dance floor. Then he tried to ask a girl named Lavender, but she mumbled something about having to wash her hair and ran into the powder room.

He searched the ballroom for a girl to dance with. To his left he saw Ron Weasley talking with his sister Hermione. To his right he saw his mother and he briefly considered asking her to dance, just to show people how good he a dancer he was, but decided against it. She was busy talking with the Messenger Boy and glaring at her husband, who was dancing with a balloon. Crabbe sighed and continued his search.

_There's one!_ Crabbe thought as he spotted Blaise Zabini standing all alone next to the refreshment table. He walked towards her.

"Oh! He's approaching another one!" Ron Weasley exclaimed, watching Prince Crabbe approach another girl.

"Who is she?" asked Hermione. "She seems familiar, but I don't recall her name."

"Countess Blaise Zabini. She has been a countess for about ten months. Her parents and older sister died of the Orange Plague, leaving her the only heir. I don't think she wanted to become Countess."

"Ah, now I remember her. I think she glared throughout the whole funeral. Anyway, back to business. What do you think she'll do?"

"Well, from what I remember, she's rather intelligent and liked to rub it in other people's faces. She's quite assertive, too, so she won't be too shy to taunt him. I bet five Galleons she'll raise one eyebrow, insult his intelligence using big words he won't understand, and then walk away. What about you?"

"I don't think she'll do all that. From her glare at the funeral and from what I remember about her at Hogwarts, I can tell she's a cold person. I bet five Galleons she'll just glare at him with enough malice that _he'll_ be the one running away this time."

Ron and Hermione watched as Prince Crabbe approached Blaise.

Prince Crabbe approached Blaise Zabini.

"May I—" Blaise glared at him. "—have this…" He gulped nervously. "…dance?"

Blaise didn't respond. Well, not verbally, anyway. She just glowered at him with all her might.

"Er—I'll take that as a 'no.' Er—well, I have to go now," he stammered, feeling rather uneasy under her bitter gaze. "I'll see you later—or not, if you don't want to, which you probably don't—and, um—I have to go!" He dashed off in the opposite direction and continued down one of the hallways. As he rushed across the ballroom, he noticed some sort of money exchange going on between a redheaded boy and his sister Hermione, who had a grin on her face.

It took her a while, but Pansy finally hacked the chair into small slivers. It had taken her longer than she had anticipated because the chair was a lot more durable than it had looked.

_Those carpenters a hundred years ago sure made sturdy furniture,_ Pansy thought as she admired her handiwork. _But not sturdy enough._ She chuckled evilly and massaged her sore arm muscles.

Destroying expensive furniture took a lot more energy out of Pansy than she had originally thought. Deciding to "rest her eyes" for a few minutes before reentering the ballroom, she sat down on a stone bench across the hall and closed her eyes as she leaned against the wall.

Crabbe was pretty sure that Blaise wasn't following him, but didn't want to take any chances. The last time he took a chance he was grounded for three months by his mother for "terrorizing the zookeeper." All he had wanted to do was pet the black-and-orange-striped kitten. How was he supposed to know that the cat was extremely temperamental and had razor-sharp claws?

He decided to sit for a little while on one of the benches in the hall before continuing his search. However, as he approached the bench, he found it already occupied by a girl wearing a pink dress. He sighed. Today was not his day.

"Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?" he asked politely. She didn't stir. "Excuse me? Hello? _Hello?_ _Hello!_" At this, she jumped up, startled, and started to punch him, but luckily she caught herself before her fist made contact with his face.

"Sorry," she muttered, obviously quite embarrassed. "Reflex."

He barely remembered to acknowledge her apology, as he was trying to get over the initial shock. He did manage to look her in the eyes while he accepted her apology and noticed that they were amazingly similar to the eyes of the temperamental kitten.

"Anyway, what do you want?"

"Want?" What _did_ he want? Oh, right. "Do you mind if I sit here?"

"What do I care? Go ahead," she said as she sat back down.

As he sat down, he noticed a pile of chopped up wood. He started to ask what had happened, but he decided he didn't want to know, remembering the girl's violent nature.

"So," he said to break the uncomfortable silence. "What's your name?"

"What? Oh, Pansy. What's yours?" she said and surprised herself by hoping she sounded polite.

"I'm Prince Crabbe," he said as his chest puffed with pride.

"How interesting."

"I know, isn't it?"

Pansy narrowed her eyes at him. His tone wasn't sarcastic, but she felt the need to make sure. "Are you being sarcastic?" Ninety-five percent of what came out of Pansy's mouth was sarcastic, and she loved sarcasm, but she did not, and would not, tolerate sarcasm directed at her, which was one of several hundred reasons as to why she hated Penelope.

"No. I'm usually only sarcastic when talking about my sisters."

"Sisters?"

"Yes. I have four: Myrtle, Alicia, Angelina, and Hermione."

"Ah."

"Well, I better be getting back," he said. A thought struck him. "Would you like to dance?"

"Alright," she said and they headed back to the ballroom.

They ended up dancing together for the next five songs.

As the fifth song ended, the clock began to chime eleven o' clock.

_Now why does eleven o' clock seem to be significant to me?_ Pansy though to herself as the clock chimed. _Oh, yeah, Mill said I'm supposed to leave._

"I have to go," she told him.

"Why? There's still an hour left."

"Tell that to my no-wit, fashionably deprived Fairy-God-Elf-Mother," she muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing. Anyway, I have to go." She turned and started to walk away.

"Wait! Will you marry me?"

_"What?" _That_ came out of nowhere._

"Will you marry me? I'm supposed to pick a bride by midnight tonight, and so far you're the only girl I've been able to ask."

She started to decline, but then she got to thinking. If she married the prince, then she'd have to live at the castle. And if she lived at the castle, she wouldn't have to live with Penelope anymore. Even better than that was that she'd be surrounded by many destroyable things every day. Even better, she'd be a princess and the future queen and could one day order Penelope's execution. Yes, she wanted to marry him. _Mwahahaha._

"Yes, let's get married."

Crabbe looked surprised. "Really? You mean it?"

"Yes."

"Great! Let's get married right now!"

"What about the preparations? Won't your parents want to be there or at least know about it?"

"No, they won't care!" he said excitedly. "They'll be too thrilled about my being married to mind!"

"Alright, if you don't think they'll mind…"

"They won't! Come on!" he shouted with glee and practically dragged her towards the door.

Princess Hermione watched as her brother sped past her, taking some hideous girl with him.

"Where are _you_ going?" she demanded.

Crabbe glared at her. "Why do you care? Besides, you're the walking encyclopedia. You figure it out," he sneered and continued walking.

"Oh, dear," she said to herself. "Tomorrow's going to be an interesting day."

"Do you, Prince Crabbe, take Pansy to be your wife? To have and to hold, for rich and poorer, and so on and so forth?" the man asked him.

"Okey dokey," Crabbe said happily.

"And do you, Pansy, promise to do all the stuff I just said? Yea or nay?"

Pansy frowned. "Which one means 'yes'?"

The guy sighed, frustrated. _"Yea."_

"In that case, yea."

"Ok, you're married. Remember to pay your £30 on the way out," he said as the newlyweds walked happily away.

Pansy and Crabbe walked happily to the castle (after they paid their £30) to tell Queen Ginny and King Goyle that they got married.

And they lived happily ever after…

Or, rather, they lived happily until they got to the castle.

* * *

**A/N**: You know, I've just realized something. In this story, Crabbe is the heir to the throne, and therefore likely to become king one day, making him King Crabbe. Now, if I change the plotline and make them from Alaska, he'll be the Alaskan King Crabbe, which I find hilarious for some reason. I really need more humor in my life…

shameful plugs So, I'm thinking of writing another fairy tale parody fic for _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs_ (is it 'dwarfs' or 'dwarves'? Word won't tell me) but I'm not sure if I want to make it an HP fanfic or make it original and post it on Fiction Press. What the heck, I'll make it original. It fits better that way. If anyone's interested, my pen name on Fiction Press is Emmy, but I know it's probably not going to up for a while.

I'm also thinking of making another for _The Wizard of Oz_, which I know will be for HP. I think I'll be writing this after the one I've already mentioned, since I already have the basic plan for the other. /shameful plugs

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this fic!

Wishing You Prosperity and Pizza,

Queen Emmy of Monkeys  
(Formerly known as Emmy Weezer, and formerly more commonly known as Emmy.)

"I told him about Louis Sixteenth that got his head chopped off in France long time ago; and about his little boy the dolphin, that would 'a' been king, but they took him and shut him up in a jail, and some say he died there." —_Adventures of Huckleberry Finn_ by Mark Twain


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